new chapter or close the book?

Love is a very tricky thing that i feel is never truly understood...it can be really good or really horrible...and it causes you to put forth allot of effort based off hope..u never truly know if it will go good or bad and it can go bad really fast...one day your so happy and in love and loving life and within hours it can do a 360 and your heart is shattered in a million pieces and you have no clue where to begin to put your life back together...you have become so comfortable and use to a routine and that routine has always included your special someone...so now that your alone...how do you begin to function as one? does life get easier or harder?will you ever heal...they say time mends all wombs...but is that true? How do you know when its seriously that time to realize that you are and have been holding onto something that was only real to you? you pray every night that you wake up and everything will be good again but yet you manage to cry yourself to sleep every night...does it ever get better is always a question that remains in your mind...our minds know better but our heart leads us...and in the end...your hurt..and mad at yourself and that's because your mind was right all along but how do you know which to go by? when is the right time to call it quits??

ive been in love...real love with a man for 5 years and never had a thought of letting another man into my heart..i dedicated my heart, mind, soul and time into this person because i was in love...we haven't beautiful baby boy that loves us both so much and it breaks my heart that i feel i failed my son because i always wanted to give him what i grew up with, both my parents..i never wanted to bring a child into the world and have to have them subjected to having to see his parents separately..he should have the best of both worlds with both his parents there...but i have learned that just because you have wants and goal, it doesn't mean they will go the way you plan...at the end of the day if things are not meant to be...they wont..and no matter how much you try to force it it still wont work...im now in that situation and im hurting so much that the thought of it makes me wanna throw up..im beyond stressed and feeling depressed...i lost sight of allot of things i believed in prior to DJ and the one thing i couldn't rem was, why was i so afraid of being loved and wanted...why did i have a wall up and why did i push guys away as soon as i felt they wee getting to close...and now in the position im in it has all came back to me and im hurting like hell...idk what to do...i have loved this man so much that i feel incomplete without him..will i ever get pass this feeling? i don't want to continue to chase a man that don't wanna be caught..its killing me...hes done me so wrong for so long and at the end of the day when i ask if he would loose me for the sake of the women he cant let go of and he said no...but

tonight i finally got the truth...and it wasn't what i thought..it was the complete opposite and ive never felt more stupid...i truly believed that he loved me, wanted me, couldn't live without me but at the end of the day hes able to walk out of my life just as fast as he walked in...i believe he treats me like shit because i make it seem like its ok..which causes him to feel he donthave to respect me and im pissed...he told me  he dontwanna be with me because im not toe type of women he wanna be with , that he hateseerything i do...how can someone u have been with for that long say ur not his type now? why cant he realize that majority of the things he hate about me that i do are stemming from what he did to me...you have to break someones trust to make them feel so insecure that it causes them to do childish things..i wasn't like this when we first started dating because i had no reason to not believe him...and now i do..i should have walked away from this shit wen i first found out...but instead my heart said hes human and made a mistake...well its 2012 now and that mistake never stopped so to me...its not a mistake...its now a choice...im putting myself thru the pain i feel...so shame on me..but its time i grow up and get myself together and stop chasing a man that dont want me..god is good and im leaving all this in his hands because he always knows what to do...going to bed now...goodnight self

Ego Identity

We all have a ego identity....but everyone's is different based on how we were brought up...how our parents interacted with us as a child until now..I always wondered how some people are so confident regardless of there flaws and how some people are so insecure...to the point when they look in the mirror they see something completely different then everyone else see. thats what made wanna understand why? I realized its our ego identity which is the conscious sense of self that we develop through social interaction.  Its constantly changing due to new experience we inquire daily. so basically its based on what you choose to have take place in your life on the identity you take on for yourself. so does that mean alot of people are insecure because they choose to be? or is it based on things they have gone through that they let impact their sense of thought? idk....something im interested in looking into to understand the whole concept. I feel with determination and focus even a person with the worse insecurities can make a change for the better if they have strong minded people in their life to help them see the good in them instead of all the negative and with time that person will transform into a very confident happy person! just what I believe.

A night's end

well its the end of yet another night and it ended Ok...no complaints..some strange feelings but nothing i cant deal with or get over...ill sleep and open my eyes to yet another good day to start all over again...chilled with my fam...acually still chillin...thinking about how life plays out and stuff...the things we go thru, good and bad but it only makes us strong...my son keeps me sain and strong...makes me wanna better myself a litte more each day and with time I will..goodnite world..until tomorrow!


-Jai

Having Faith

Everything in this world happens for a reason..we just have to take it at face value, figure out the lesson within it and learn from it...instead of trying to make it more the what it is..I have a bad habit of stressing things I have no control over and going out of my element and doing things to force things to happen instead of chilling and just letting it play out..i feel like I've cheated myself out of allot of good times because i was impatient. time is of the essence and its precious and its to short to live it crying stressed and worrying about what you don't have instead of cherishing all that you do have...well I'm over it..its time i live life with a smile and confidence and high hopes for the future...whats suppose to be in my life will be and what doesn't wasn't suppose to be...there's no reason in forcing anything to happen because at the end of the day it will never play out how you want it to because in reality it was never in the mix it was something you forced to be there, therefore it will fail... don't

lesson of the day: enjoy what you have, pay no attention to what you don't and whats meant to be in your life will come sooner or later..just enjoy life until it does!

Aggrevated!

If its not one thing its another....sometimes it feels like we only work to pay bills and have nothing to show for hard working...and then jobs end so easy as if they feel everyone don't need a job..they post a thousand jobs and make it as hard as possible to get the job or set the standards so high that they use the excuse that you don't have enough exp. but how will you ever get exp if no one will give you a chance to get the exp..to prove that you can learn easily and become really good at it..hell better then some that actually have the exp. and everyone wants you to have a college degree when half the ppl that have them don't know have the stuff that the ones that only have a high school education like myself..i feel the economy is messed up because they wont cut ppl a break to get the work done and earn a income...jobs should be a little easier to get so more ppl will be able to work and can afford to actually live! something needs to give asap!